It has been over two years since the first time I ever went outside bald. I decided to do it as a personal challenge. I needed to accept myself openly and begin to be truly comfortable in my own skin. It is easy to talk the talk but sooner or later, you have to walk the walk. I was nervous, excited and uncomfortable. I wanted to run back in the house but I managed to keep it together and push past those emotions. This moment of liberation was my way to boldly reclaim the self esteem that I had allowed Alopecia to steal from me. It was time to shift my alopecia experience from fear to fearlessness.

Today, two years later, I still have to take a few deep breaths and get my emotions in order before I go outside bald. I don’t do it every day so when I do, I have to do a mental self check and get centered so that I can handle whatever may come my way.

“Ultimately, if I believe that I am beautiful and walk in confidence, then I will exude beauty and persuade others to see the beauty in themselves.” ~ Sandra Dubose-Gibson

This music video is from the documentary film “Project Liberation- My Alopecia Experience. It documents the first time I ever went outside bald on my way to do a bald photo shoot.

Secondly, get over your thoughts of what “THEY” are thinking.

Last month, I went to perform at an outdoor African Arts Festival in a small country town in North Carolina. My daughters, a.k.a. “my entourage”, came with me. I showed up in all of my bald-ilicious glory ready to sing my song and share my story. As my daughters and I walked from the car to the event, we saw many people along the street that stared blatantly at me as we walked by. It was awkward and in all the times I have gone outside au natural, I have never been stared at like this before. They obviously had never encountered too many bald women in their part of town.

I recognized then the power that lies in looking different. To think, if I could walk down the street and have people tune into me with curious eyes, my response to them could make the difference in changing someones perception of what beauty is and create greater sensitivity for others who look different as well. I smiled graciously at them thinking that it was the perfect teachable moment for my children about the importance of self confidence. The stares did not bother me but my children were uncomfortable and growing angry that so many people were staring at their mommy that way. I comforted them by telling them what those people were thinking and saying to each other…….

“Is she some kind of celebrity?”    Maybe…..

“Is she a model?”   Could be…….

The truth is that I have no idea what “THEY” were thinking. No one will ever know how that moment resonated with each of them and I cannot worry about that.  There is no way to maintain a sense of peace or sanity if we obsess about the unknown. At some point we have to divorce ourselves from the fear of being judged by others. We can’t afford to put too much value on the opinions of complete strangers! Now, while it is human nature to want to be accepted and liked, we cannot ask anyone to do for us, what we cannot or will not do for ourselves. Bottom line, what matters most is always what we think of ourselves.

Lastly, choose to be happy in spite of your challenges and you will inspire others to do the same

Any questions the onlookers had, had been answered the moment I took the microphone and educated them about my condition. They realized then, how I embraced my difference so that I can make a difference. I then proceeded to sing a Mary J. Blige crowd favorite, “All I really want is to be happy.”

In that moment as we were rocking out together, they knew and understood that there was no real difference between me and them at all. Singing in unison we recognized that no matter what our external differences are, inside we are all the same and all each of us ever REALLY want, is to be happy!

Sandra Dubose-Gibson

When asked by moderator, Lauren Lake at the 2010 Women’s Empowerment Expo, what I thought was the #1 issue women are wrestling with as it relates to “good hair” and the “Hollywood Complex”, I offered a few points to ponder:

• We have to stop comparing ourselves to other women and instead uncover and accept our own unique beauty whether we have short hair, long hair or in my case, no hair at all.
• Understand that we were not made to look the same but we are each our own individual expression of the image and likeness of God and he does not make mistakes.
• No matter what physical changes we go through, know that our true beauty comes from our spirit within.
• We have to accept ourselves for who we are and what we look like because people are going to see us, the way we see ourselves.

While hair is an important attribute to a woman’s identity of beauty, there are many other non-physical traits of beauty in every woman that we must identify and appreciate.

Some times in life we may have experiences that will challenge our self esteem. It is easy to feel good about yourself when you are not dealing with circumstances beyond your control and you look the way you want to look. Just as it is easy to love someone when they are making you happy. The truth is revealed only through test and trials. Then and only then can we find out what we are really made of. This is why we need to cultivate a deeper understanding of self and a  broader perspective of beauty in ourselves and in others.

When we suffer through any unwanted physical changes, it is easy to just focus on the negative and forget about all of the positive things we have going for ourselves. I don’t care if the issue is hair loss, weight gain, a pimple or a crooked tooth. These imperfections seemingly take over our mirror and cause us to forget that our beauty is bigger than that one issue. I find that often times we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. If the people who we truly love had any of those issues, we would show them more compassion and acceptance than we do ourselves. This is a mindset we must work to change.

The Beauty Test: An exercise to Identify Physical and Non-Physical Beauty Attributes To Increase Self-Esteem

Sometimes we need to be reminded of the greatness we possess to shift our perspective from darkness to light. You don’t have to wait for someone else to acknowledge your beauty, give yourself a self esteem boost by taking this beauty test today. Make a list of your best attributes whether they are physical or non-physical. I am confident that you will find that there are many things to love about yourself and to be proud of. Own your own individual beauty and do not compare yourself to anyone else. You will do yourself a great disservice and miss out on the authentic beauty which is you. Here is a cheat sheet of my list to get you moving in the right direction.

A few of my Best Attributes

-  My sense of humor

-  My Kind Disposition

-  Sharing and Caring for Others

-  Curves to die for

-  A Beautiful bald head

-  Soft, smooth (hairless) skin

Identifying these attributes helps increase my self-esteem by keeping my eye on the prize, the true essence of me.

Please share a beauty attribute, or two, of yours from your Beauty test. Post your comments and give yourself a shout out. In doing so, you could help others identify the beauty they may have overlooked within themselves.

Beauty is not made up of just one characteristic. There are many aspects about a person that attribute to their beauty. Contrary to the Hollywood created stereotypes of “so called” beauty, only part of it is external. The root of the word stems from what is inside. Like they say, “A tree is known, by the fruit it bares.”  I remember the exact moment in time when I realized that the attributes of beauty are decided in the mind’s eye of the beholder and it is true for them even if I disagree.

Looking through the eyes of love

Having gone bald as a result of Alopecia Universalis starting at the age of 25, caused me to become very insecure within my marriage. At that time we had been married for 4 years and our first daughter was only 1 years old. Intimacy became a real struggle for me because I did not feel beautiful anymore. I used to think, “How could he possibly want me looking like this?” I felt his advances were done as an act of kindness, obligation or maybe even pity. He told me often how sexy I still was in his eyes. I did not see it, so I did not believe him. I became distant, angry and unavailable. I rejected the love and acceptance that was being offered. Deep inside I believed that he would eventually leave me.

What happens behind closed doors?

One night, my husband lovingly expressed his frustration with the way that I had been handling my Alopecia experience. To the world I seemed to be doing fine but he was the one who took the blows when I cried myself to sleep and woke up angry every morning.  He told me that he could handle me losing my hair and that it honestly did not matter to him. He still felt that I was beautiful and he loved me with or without hair. What he could not handle was my new found low self esteem, regular pity parties and depression. THAT WAS UNATTRACTIVE. He explained to me that my confidence and upbeat personality is what drew him to me and what he fell in love with, not my hair. Talk about an AHA moment! When it was all said and done, my CONFIDENCE, wit and personality was the top lock key to unlock the heart of my husband. Who knew?! I realized then, that the outer package is not nearly as important as the content inside. I don’t want to just LOOK beautiful, I want to BE beautiful and I decide what the definition of beauty is for me and you can do the same for you.

What to do when the truth hurts

I learned that evening that I had a limited view of beauty and was only afflicting additional pain upon myself. My husband was not leaving me but I was pushing him away. Not only was Alopecia going to take away my hair but I was allowing it to take away my self esteem, my joy, my personality and subsequently my marriage. I had to turn my pain into a point of power and start fighting back. Somehow I was going to have to shake the bald blues. I wanted to be the woman my husband fell in love with and the sexiest bald woman he had ever seen! I could not change the fact that I did not have hair, but I could decide to love myself in spite of it and understand my worth. The process takes time to climb the mountain of personal liberation. That moment of truth with my husband was the catalyst that motivated me to walk towards the light and illuminate in a way that inspires others to find their own path. The experience was a blessing in disguise and taught me an invaluable lesson about beauty, love and marriage. What will be the catalyst for you? If you need a little inspiration, I know where you can find it.

Finding my path and walking in my purpose

In honor of Women’s History Month, on Saturday, March 20, 2010, Radio One will hold the 16^th Annual Women’s Empowerment Expo at the RBC Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have been invited to participate as a panelist in the beauty seminar, “The Hollywood Complex: The Truth Behind beauty”.

I am honored and excited to weigh in on the topic of beauty from a bald woman’s perspective. I believe I have something of value to share and my heart is open to receive. This is an entire day event dedicated to uplifting African American women in every area of our lives. There will be over 14,000 people in attendance, vendors, seminars, food, education, entertainment and most of all, empowerment for all.

It will be a great day of inspiration and fellowship that you don’t want to miss! I hope to see you there.

For more information visit: www.womensempowermentexpo.com

“Do you love yourself?”Is a pretty strong question that most people would automatically answer yes to without thinking twice about it. “Of course I do” we say. It requires no contemplation for most but what about those who can’t find the words “I love myself” in their vocabulary?  At a time like this when the whole world is focusing their attention on romantic love for Valentine’s Day, I think we should spend equal time focusing on the love of ourselves.

I remember a time in my life when I would have answered, “No” to the question of loving myself. I was just a teenager then, lost in the abyss of the unknown. “Who am I and why have I been born?” were the questions in prayer whispered from my lips night after night. Finding out the answers to those questions is a personal journey that everyone must take for themselves. For some, the answers come swiftly. For some the answers come slowly and for some, not at all.

For me, after a bout with depression, repeat thoughts of suicide and over a year too long in an abusive relationship at 17, I learned enough to know who I was NOT and decided who I did not want to be ANYMORE. It was a defining moment in my life that shaped me into the woman I am today. I have no regrets, only thanks and praise for being alive to tell my story. Many of young women never learned to tap their power within and died as a result of domestic violence. As a result, February has been designated National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month.

Cited from the National Teen Abuse Helpline, a recent teen survey showed that 1 in 5 teens that have been in a serious relationship report having been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. Unchecked issues with low self esteem only lead to more destructive behavior and or relationships. Loving and respecting ourselves is not a choice or a luxury, it is our responsibility and the only way to achieve a happy and well balanced life.

Falling in love with yourself

“No one can give you self love and no one can love you hard enough to compensate for the love that you need to have within yourself.”

~Sandra Dubose-Gibson

If you h av e been struggling with a lack of self love, instead of focusing your energy on garnering the affections of a significant other this Valentine’s Day, buy yourself some flowers and use these 3 love potions to help start the fire, for falling in love with yourself. When you uncover the true love within yourself, you set the stage for the true love of another to find you.

Decide that enough is enough: Just like you make the decision to love others, make the decision to love you no matter what. It is mind over matter. No one is perfect; including you, so cut yourself some slack. We are all doing the best we can based on our personal experiences so be gentle with yourself and commit to learn how to be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.  

Get to the root of the problem and pluck it out: Identify who or what made you feel less than and let them or it go. Negative things may have happened in your childhood. We all have a story we could tell that had it’s share of damaging effects. As a child it was not our fault nor was it fair. The reasons for pain are justifiable. The bottom line is that we cannot change the past, but we can absolutely decide to create a better tomorrow for ourselves. Leave the past behind.

Exercise your faith: Prayer and faith are the main ingredients to getting out of the clouds and seeing the breaking of day. The goal is to see yourself through God’s eyes, perfect even in your imperfections. No other opinions matter, not even your own. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Find your path to peace through faith. Trust your creator and recite these truths to yourself often.

v  I am strong

v  I am intelligent

v  I am have talents and gifts

v  I am kind

v  I am worthy of love

v  I am whole and complete right now

v  I am a child of God

Remember: This may be the season for love and romance, but learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.

Peace and Blessings

How often do we look at our current state of being and feel the need to justify it by listing all of the negative and unpleasant experiences we have had in our lives? While it is true that our beliefs are directly impacted by our upbringing, our environment, culture, race and religious beliefs, we decide where the past ends and the future begins.

“It’s not where you’re from; it’s where you’re at!” ~RAKIM

We are responsible to own our destiny once we reach adulthood despite the challenges we may have faced as a child. The time will come when blaming Mom, Dad and any unfortunate series of events will no longer suffice. We have to accept the truth that it is not where we come from or where we have been BUT what is most important, is WHERE we are going. That is a decision we all have to make.

We can’t change our past, whether it was good or bad. We can’t pick our parents or our families. If we have been victims of abuse, sufferers of disease or survivors of accidents, we inevitably must deal the hand of cards that we have been dealt and play our best hand at life in spite of it all.

“No matter what anybody says’, what matters most is what you think of yourself.” ~INDIA ARIE

Whenever we are ready, we can decide to drive our lives in the direction we would like it to go. What YOU think about you HAS TO BE more important, than what anyone else thinks. As long as you believe the best about yourself, no one can stand in your way.  This single factor separates the leaders from the followers, the women from the girls, and the greatest from the good.

Self love is a process and a road that we must all travel on our own. No one can do it for you and once you attain it, no one can take it from you. If you are lacking in this area and you are ready to grow, here are just a few steps to get you started in the right direction:

Ingredients for healthy Self Esteem:

• Rid yourself of any “Stinking Thinking” and replenish your mind with positive affirmations.
• Surround yourself with progressive and loving people that add to your life instead of draining your energy.
• Begin to purge your life of toxic behaviors, thoughts and people. Do a new thing and get new results. Step out of your box.
• Don’t be afraid to love people from afar. That includes your family members if they are hindering your healing process. It is okay and necessary to be selective about whom you let in your inner circle. Quantity is not necessarily quality.
• Be gentle with yourself because it takes time to unlearn behaviors and ideas that you have had for many years. Having a painful past or experience causes emotional scars and they take time to heal.

Food for thought:

Penny for your thoughts! Write in and share your ingredients for healthy self esteem.

As you go forth, trust that the universe will provide you with whom and what you need at the just the right time to assist you. Envision yourself as Dorothy walking along the yellow brick road. Know that there will be wisdom. There will be courage. There will be love. Open up your heart to receive it and then open your hands to give it away. Love is never in short supply.  It regenerates. As you give it, it multiplies. Abundant life begins with loving yourself and self esteem is the main ingredient to true success. No one ever wins the blame game, so switch gears and let’s travel down this high road together.

I would love to hear from you so write in and leave your comments and personal tips for maintaining a healthy self esteem.

My baby girl, my Angel Face

I had “The Talk” with my eleven year old daughter today. My first born child. I did not want to, but I knew it was a necessary evil. I wish I could preserve her innocence for many years to come. She is still a baby; my baby. Why should I have to take away her innocence at such a tender age? Ideally, her life should be about easy bake ovens, double dutch and hide and go seek for at least a few more years to come. In a perfect world that is, but not the one we live in today.

Instead I introduced her to the world of STD’s, heartbreak and teenage pregnancy. Her angelic face was so uncomfortable. She didn’t understand why she had to be subjected to such images and facts of life? “Mommy that is disgusting”, she said. “I’m never going to do that.” I wish I could hold her to those words until her wedding day.

Knowledge is power, not permission.

As she moves into the sixth grade in just a few months, I know that I would be doing her a great disservice if I did not forewarn her of the writing that would soon appear upon the bathroom walls. The 8^th grade male predators sniffing out her ignorance and innate need to have her very first romantic kiss that makes her foot pop just as it did for the princess in all of the Disney movies she watches.

How could I explain to her in eleven year old terms that Men are from Mars and women are absolutely from Venus? Since she is a big fan of the television shows that come on Animal Planet, I decided to explain the relationship between men and women as the analogy of a lion hunting deer. Unfortunately, I did not have any pleasant childhood memories of male/female relationships that would make me feel any differently. Maybe if I understood that for boys it was all a game, I would not have lost time and time again. Maybe, or maybe not.

Once you give your virginity away, you cannot get it back.

She understood the animal analogy well and was immediately excited about the thrill of outsmarting her rivals when the time came to tell them “NO”. She had the inside scoop on the opposing teams’ strategy and felt confident about her ability to win.  I explained to her that the hunt was not personal and it had nothing to do with her worth. It was simply a natural instinct for boys and it does not change until they mature….If and when they mature. I affirmed her beauty, intelligence and value over and over again like a mantra. Her sacred body, mind and soul, and the priceless gift of virginity was not to be given away for collection like a trophy on someone’s shelf. She is indeed special and the only one of her kind. I told her that I can give her the information but at the end of the day, she is the one who has to make the decisions. Once her virginity is gone, it can never be returned so there is no room for mistakes- only regrets.

The truth and nothing but the truth, even when it hurts.

I had been preparing mentally for this day for several months now. I felt confident and in control of the conversation until she asked me the question that caught me off guard. “Did Grandma have this same talk with you?” I paused and held back my tears reliving my truth in that moment. I confessed that as much as my mother loved me, she was raised in a different era. It was a time when conversations with children about sex were taboo and the consensus was, “you just better not do IT!” She did not tell me about sex, love or heartbreak. She did tell me not to “get fooled” by those little boys but I could have benefited from a bit more specific information. She asked in innocent amazement, “So how did you find out about all of this stuff Mommy?”

“The hard way, baby…… I found out the hard way.”

Food For Thought:

Our childhood experience’s play a pivotal role in shaping our self esteem and confidence even up to adulthood. Maybe we did not get everything we  needed from the person we thought should give it to us, but we cannot allow that to stop us from being all we can for own children. As parents, we must learn to push past our own issues and do our best to give our children what we know they need. By educating our children, we arm them with the weapons they need to be protected from manipulation and self assured. When we create a new experience and break the cycle, we free ourselves and give them a priceless gift; the gift of Self Esteem.

Write in with your thoughts on “talking to your kids about sex” and share your pearls of wisdom.