It has been over two years since the first time I ever went outside bald. I decided to do it as a personal challenge. I needed to accept myself openly and begin to be truly comfortable in my own skin. It is easy to talk the talk but sooner or later, you have to walk the walk. I was nervous, excited and uncomfortable. I wanted to run back in the house but I managed to keep it together and push past those emotions. This moment of liberation was my way to boldly reclaim the self esteem that I had allowed Alopecia to steal from me. It was time to shift my alopecia experience from fear to fearlessness.

Today, two years later, I still have to take a few deep breaths and get my emotions in order before I go outside bald. I don’t do it every day so when I do, I have to do a mental self check and get centered so that I can handle whatever may come my way.

“Ultimately, if I believe that I am beautiful and walk in confidence, then I will exude beauty and persuade others to see the beauty in themselves.” ~ Sandra Dubose-Gibson

This music video is from the documentary film “Project Liberation- My Alopecia Experience. It documents the first time I ever went outside bald on my way to do a bald photo shoot.

Secondly, get over your thoughts of what “THEY” are thinking.

Last month, I went to perform at an outdoor African Arts Festival in a small country town in North Carolina. My daughters, a.k.a. “my entourage”, came with me. I showed up in all of my bald-ilicious glory ready to sing my song and share my story. As my daughters and I walked from the car to the event, we saw many people along the street that stared blatantly at me as we walked by. It was awkward and in all the times I have gone outside au natural, I have never been stared at like this before. They obviously had never encountered too many bald women in their part of town.

I recognized then the power that lies in looking different. To think, if I could walk down the street and have people tune into me with curious eyes, my response to them could make the difference in changing someones perception of what beauty is and create greater sensitivity for others who look different as well. I smiled graciously at them thinking that it was the perfect teachable moment for my children about the importance of self confidence. The stares did not bother me but my children were uncomfortable and growing angry that so many people were staring at their mommy that way. I comforted them by telling them what those people were thinking and saying to each other…….

“Is she some kind of celebrity?”    Maybe…..

“Is she a model?”   Could be…….

The truth is that I have no idea what “THEY” were thinking. No one will ever know how that moment resonated with each of them and I cannot worry about that.  There is no way to maintain a sense of peace or sanity if we obsess about the unknown. At some point we have to divorce ourselves from the fear of being judged by others. We can’t afford to put too much value on the opinions of complete strangers! Now, while it is human nature to want to be accepted and liked, we cannot ask anyone to do for us, what we cannot or will not do for ourselves. Bottom line, what matters most is always what we think of ourselves.

Lastly, choose to be happy in spite of your challenges and you will inspire others to do the same

Any questions the onlookers had, had been answered the moment I took the microphone and educated them about my condition. They realized then, how I embraced my difference so that I can make a difference. I then proceeded to sing a Mary J. Blige crowd favorite, “All I really want is to be happy.”

In that moment as we were rocking out together, they knew and understood that there was no real difference between me and them at all. Singing in unison we recognized that no matter what our external differences are, inside we are all the same and all each of us ever REALLY want, is to be happy!

Sandra Dubose-Gibson

When asked by moderator, Lauren Lake at the 2010 Women’s Empowerment Expo, what I thought was the #1 issue women are wrestling with as it relates to “good hair” and the “Hollywood Complex”, I offered a few points to ponder:

• We have to stop comparing ourselves to other women and instead uncover and accept our own unique beauty whether we have short hair, long hair or in my case, no hair at all.
• Understand that we were not made to look the same but we are each our own individual expression of the image and likeness of God and he does not make mistakes.
• No matter what physical changes we go through, know that our true beauty comes from our spirit within.
• We have to accept ourselves for who we are and what we look like because people are going to see us, the way we see ourselves.

While hair is an important attribute to a woman’s identity of beauty, there are many other non-physical traits of beauty in every woman that we must identify and appreciate.

Some times in life we may have experiences that will challenge our self esteem. It is easy to feel good about yourself when you are not dealing with circumstances beyond your control and you look the way you want to look. Just as it is easy to love someone when they are making you happy. The truth is revealed only through test and trials. Then and only then can we find out what we are really made of. This is why we need to cultivate a deeper understanding of self and a  broader perspective of beauty in ourselves and in others.

When we suffer through any unwanted physical changes, it is easy to just focus on the negative and forget about all of the positive things we have going for ourselves. I don’t care if the issue is hair loss, weight gain, a pimple or a crooked tooth. These imperfections seemingly take over our mirror and cause us to forget that our beauty is bigger than that one issue. I find that often times we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. If the people who we truly love had any of those issues, we would show them more compassion and acceptance than we do ourselves. This is a mindset we must work to change.

The Beauty Test: An exercise to Identify Physical and Non-Physical Beauty Attributes To Increase Self-Esteem

Sometimes we need to be reminded of the greatness we possess to shift our perspective from darkness to light. You don’t have to wait for someone else to acknowledge your beauty, give yourself a self esteem boost by taking this beauty test today. Make a list of your best attributes whether they are physical or non-physical. I am confident that you will find that there are many things to love about yourself and to be proud of. Own your own individual beauty and do not compare yourself to anyone else. You will do yourself a great disservice and miss out on the authentic beauty which is you. Here is a cheat sheet of my list to get you moving in the right direction.

A few of my Best Attributes

-  My sense of humor

-  My Kind Disposition

-  Sharing and Caring for Others

-  Curves to die for

-  A Beautiful bald head

-  Soft, smooth (hairless) skin

Identifying these attributes helps increase my self-esteem by keeping my eye on the prize, the true essence of me.

Please share a beauty attribute, or two, of yours from your Beauty test. Post your comments and give yourself a shout out. In doing so, you could help others identify the beauty they may have overlooked within themselves.

Beauty is not made up of just one characteristic. There are many aspects about a person that attribute to their beauty. Contrary to the Hollywood created stereotypes of “so called” beauty, only part of it is external. The root of the word stems from what is inside. Like they say, “A tree is known, by the fruit it bares.”  I remember the exact moment in time when I realized that the attributes of beauty are decided in the mind’s eye of the beholder and it is true for them even if I disagree.

Looking through the eyes of love

Having gone bald as a result of Alopecia Universalis starting at the age of 25, caused me to become very insecure within my marriage. At that time we had been married for 4 years and our first daughter was only 1 years old. Intimacy became a real struggle for me because I did not feel beautiful anymore. I used to think, “How could he possibly want me looking like this?” I felt his advances were done as an act of kindness, obligation or maybe even pity. He told me often how sexy I still was in his eyes. I did not see it, so I did not believe him. I became distant, angry and unavailable. I rejected the love and acceptance that was being offered. Deep inside I believed that he would eventually leave me.

What happens behind closed doors?

One night, my husband lovingly expressed his frustration with the way that I had been handling my Alopecia experience. To the world I seemed to be doing fine but he was the one who took the blows when I cried myself to sleep and woke up angry every morning.  He told me that he could handle me losing my hair and that it honestly did not matter to him. He still felt that I was beautiful and he loved me with or without hair. What he could not handle was my new found low self esteem, regular pity parties and depression. THAT WAS UNATTRACTIVE. He explained to me that my confidence and upbeat personality is what drew him to me and what he fell in love with, not my hair. Talk about an AHA moment! When it was all said and done, my CONFIDENCE, wit and personality was the top lock key to unlock the heart of my husband. Who knew?! I realized then, that the outer package is not nearly as important as the content inside. I don’t want to just LOOK beautiful, I want to BE beautiful and I decide what the definition of beauty is for me and you can do the same for you.

What to do when the truth hurts

I learned that evening that I had a limited view of beauty and was only afflicting additional pain upon myself. My husband was not leaving me but I was pushing him away. Not only was Alopecia going to take away my hair but I was allowing it to take away my self esteem, my joy, my personality and subsequently my marriage. I had to turn my pain into a point of power and start fighting back. Somehow I was going to have to shake the bald blues. I wanted to be the woman my husband fell in love with and the sexiest bald woman he had ever seen! I could not change the fact that I did not have hair, but I could decide to love myself in spite of it and understand my worth. The process takes time to climb the mountain of personal liberation. That moment of truth with my husband was the catalyst that motivated me to walk towards the light and illuminate in a way that inspires others to find their own path. The experience was a blessing in disguise and taught me an invaluable lesson about beauty, love and marriage. What will be the catalyst for you? If you need a little inspiration, I know where you can find it.

Finding my path and walking in my purpose

In honor of Women’s History Month, on Saturday, March 20, 2010, Radio One will hold the 16^th Annual Women’s Empowerment Expo at the RBC Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina. I have been invited to participate as a panelist in the beauty seminar, “The Hollywood Complex: The Truth Behind beauty”.

I am honored and excited to weigh in on the topic of beauty from a bald woman’s perspective. I believe I have something of value to share and my heart is open to receive. This is an entire day event dedicated to uplifting African American women in every area of our lives. There will be over 14,000 people in attendance, vendors, seminars, food, education, entertainment and most of all, empowerment for all.

It will be a great day of inspiration and fellowship that you don’t want to miss! I hope to see you there.

For more information visit: www.womensempowermentexpo.com

“Do you love yourself?”Is a pretty strong question that most people would automatically answer yes to without thinking twice about it. “Of course I do” we say. It requires no contemplation for most but what about those who can’t find the words “I love myself” in their vocabulary?  At a time like this when the whole world is focusing their attention on romantic love for Valentine’s Day, I think we should spend equal time focusing on the love of ourselves.

I remember a time in my life when I would have answered, “No” to the question of loving myself. I was just a teenager then, lost in the abyss of the unknown. “Who am I and why have I been born?” were the questions in prayer whispered from my lips night after night. Finding out the answers to those questions is a personal journey that everyone must take for themselves. For some, the answers come swiftly. For some the answers come slowly and for some, not at all.

For me, after a bout with depression, repeat thoughts of suicide and over a year too long in an abusive relationship at 17, I learned enough to know who I was NOT and decided who I did not want to be ANYMORE. It was a defining moment in my life that shaped me into the woman I am today. I have no regrets, only thanks and praise for being alive to tell my story. Many of young women never learned to tap their power within and died as a result of domestic violence. As a result, February has been designated National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month.

Cited from the National Teen Abuse Helpline, a recent teen survey showed that 1 in 5 teens that have been in a serious relationship report having been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. Unchecked issues with low self esteem only lead to more destructive behavior and or relationships. Loving and respecting ourselves is not a choice or a luxury, it is our responsibility and the only way to achieve a happy and well balanced life.

Falling in love with yourself

“No one can give you self love and no one can love you hard enough to compensate for the love that you need to have within yourself.”

~Sandra Dubose-Gibson

If you h av e been struggling with a lack of self love, instead of focusing your energy on garnering the affections of a significant other this Valentine’s Day, buy yourself some flowers and use these 3 love potions to help start the fire, for falling in love with yourself. When you uncover the true love within yourself, you set the stage for the true love of another to find you.

Decide that enough is enough: Just like you make the decision to love others, make the decision to love you no matter what. It is mind over matter. No one is perfect; including you, so cut yourself some slack. We are all doing the best we can based on our personal experiences so be gentle with yourself and commit to learn how to be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.  

Get to the root of the problem and pluck it out: Identify who or what made you feel less than and let them or it go. Negative things may have happened in your childhood. We all have a story we could tell that had it’s share of damaging effects. As a child it was not our fault nor was it fair. The reasons for pain are justifiable. The bottom line is that we cannot change the past, but we can absolutely decide to create a better tomorrow for ourselves. Leave the past behind.

Exercise your faith: Prayer and faith are the main ingredients to getting out of the clouds and seeing the breaking of day. The goal is to see yourself through God’s eyes, perfect even in your imperfections. No other opinions matter, not even your own. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Find your path to peace through faith. Trust your creator and recite these truths to yourself often.

v  I am strong

v  I am intelligent

v  I am have talents and gifts

v  I am kind

v  I am worthy of love

v  I am whole and complete right now

v  I am a child of God

Remember: This may be the season for love and romance, but learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.

Peace and Blessings

How often do we look at our current state of being and feel the need to justify it by listing all of the negative and unpleasant experiences we have had in our lives? While it is true that our beliefs are directly impacted by our upbringing, our environment, culture, race and religious beliefs, we decide where the past ends and the future begins.

“It’s not where you’re from; it’s where you’re at!” ~RAKIM

We are responsible to own our destiny once we reach adulthood despite the challenges we may have faced as a child. The time will come when blaming Mom, Dad and any unfortunate series of events will no longer suffice. We have to accept the truth that it is not where we come from or where we have been BUT what is most important, is WHERE we are going. That is a decision we all have to make.

We can’t change our past, whether it was good or bad. We can’t pick our parents or our families. If we have been victims of abuse, sufferers of disease or survivors of accidents, we inevitably must deal the hand of cards that we have been dealt and play our best hand at life in spite of it all.

“No matter what anybody says’, what matters most is what you think of yourself.” ~INDIA ARIE

Whenever we are ready, we can decide to drive our lives in the direction we would like it to go. What YOU think about you HAS TO BE more important, than what anyone else thinks. As long as you believe the best about yourself, no one can stand in your way.  This single factor separates the leaders from the followers, the women from the girls, and the greatest from the good.

Self love is a process and a road that we must all travel on our own. No one can do it for you and once you attain it, no one can take it from you. If you are lacking in this area and you are ready to grow, here are just a few steps to get you started in the right direction:

Ingredients for healthy Self Esteem:

• Rid yourself of any “Stinking Thinking” and replenish your mind with positive affirmations.
• Surround yourself with progressive and loving people that add to your life instead of draining your energy.
• Begin to purge your life of toxic behaviors, thoughts and people. Do a new thing and get new results. Step out of your box.
• Don’t be afraid to love people from afar. That includes your family members if they are hindering your healing process. It is okay and necessary to be selective about whom you let in your inner circle. Quantity is not necessarily quality.
• Be gentle with yourself because it takes time to unlearn behaviors and ideas that you have had for many years. Having a painful past or experience causes emotional scars and they take time to heal.

Food for thought:

Penny for your thoughts! Write in and share your ingredients for healthy self esteem.

As you go forth, trust that the universe will provide you with whom and what you need at the just the right time to assist you. Envision yourself as Dorothy walking along the yellow brick road. Know that there will be wisdom. There will be courage. There will be love. Open up your heart to receive it and then open your hands to give it away. Love is never in short supply.  It regenerates. As you give it, it multiplies. Abundant life begins with loving yourself and self esteem is the main ingredient to true success. No one ever wins the blame game, so switch gears and let’s travel down this high road together.

I would love to hear from you so write in and leave your comments and personal tips for maintaining a healthy self esteem.

True beauty shining through!

We all know that hair loss can negatively impact your self esteem no matter who you are. Man, woman, boy, girl, black, white, rich or poor, hair matters. I contend that you never truly realize how important your hair is to you until you start to lose some. The pain of the loss is a universal feeling and it connects those who are dealing with it, which is why the NAAF Conference is so powerful and important.

“We have the power to heal each other’s pain.” – SDG

During the conference, I had the pleasure of connecting with many wonderful people from all walks of life but then something happened that I could not have expected. I looked up to find a group of African American women who were bald like me. As a first time attendee at a NAAF Conference, this was a new experience for me. I found comfort in seeing my reflection in the faces of these women.  We stood there admiring each other’s beauty and in that moment there was a spirit of peace that came over each of us. It was an indescribable feeling that brought us all to tears as we stood holding hands and hugging one another. I believe that we were releasing a deep rooted pain that we did not even realize was there. The feeling was unspoken yet understood. We stood together in the spirit of love and we celebrated our collective triumph over stereotypes and low self-esteem. Looking at one another, we understood more than ever that we were lacking nothing. Our beauty was intact and our vision was clear.

Black hair is……

As an African American woman, I believe that our relationship with hair is especially unique. Given our history from slavery until today, black women have had great challenges in finding our rightful place in what society advertises as the standard of beauty. At first we were told that our skin was too dark. We had to learn to embrace and appreciate the many shades of brown we encompass. This was a challenge in society and even within our own families. We were told that our bodies were too curvaceous and we had to learn to appreciate our hips, our lips and curves. Over the years, those attributes have become not only acceptable in mainstream media but the object of their desire. While most of the world has now awakened and recognized our natural beauty, the issue of black hair still seems to be on the table. “Good hair” or “bad hair”, black hair has been a symbol of strength, pride and yet ridicule. Our hair has a history and a legacy all it’s own that we hold dear. From afros to dread locks to NO locks, we now stand in this new bald identity. Our pride is not based just on the color of our skin, but given our challenges, it comes from our God given strength within.

The truth is:

“In the big scheme of things, it really does not matter if you are black, white or other; for EVERY color is beautiful when you are looking through the eyes of love at another.”

Say it loud, I'm bald and I'm proud!

Write in and share your moment of truth. I love and look forward to hearing from you!

President & CEO of NAAF

“I came with an open heart prepared to give and in that position, I was able to receive a heart full of love.”

To say the least, the conference was a huge success for me personally and professionally. Since this was my very first time attending a NAAF conference, I did not know what to expect. Nothing could have prepared me for the blessings that waited for me in the fabulous city of Houston, Texas.  The conference began on a Thursday and from the moment I entered the beautiful Hyatt Regency hotel, I saw some fellow Alopecians checking in and walking about getting ready for the festivities. I could feel the buzz in the air and I was so proud to be down with the crowd and participating in this wonderful display of freedom and self-acceptance.

There were many great moments that occurred throughout the weekend. Each one deserving of it’s own time and attention so I will do a series of blogs about the conference as I extract all of the wonderful lessons that I took from the experience. For today, I can report back that the weekend was as liberating for me as it was for others. I delivered my speech in  bald solidarity as I said I would. I sang my song, “I’m Beautiful”  from the bottom of my heart and it was received in the love that it was delivered. The overwhelming response was more than my 5 foot frame could contain. The requests for autographs and pictures was flattering and yet very humbling. I kept my face together and my emotions in tact for as long as I could. As soon as the night was through, I retired to my hotel room with my husband and I cried in his arms like a baby. It was one of the best days of our entire life. I did not know what to do with all of the love. There was no place else to put it, my arms were full. All I could do was cry. Tears of joy, tears of gratitude and cleansing tears to wash away my own residual pain.

My Alopecian Family

Coming together with others that share this common experience created an automatic bond. Coping with Alopecia Areata has given us a language all our own but we don’t have to say a word. We know the road to self-acceptance and can recognize a fellow traveler when we meet them. We have felt every crack in the pavement of self esteem and have learned to pick ourselves up every time we slipped and fell. To triumph to the other side of the experience is cause for celebration and at the Saturday night dance party we did exactly that. I was on the Conga line as promised and I made my way around the dance floor shaking my groove thing with every one I could!

The icing on my cake!

The biggest accomplishment for me was that I not only delivered my speech without my wig, but I traveled back home to North Carolina without it as well! This was a first for me and a step I did not come planning to take.  I was so inspired by everyone else, especially the children, that my own confidence grew as a result of this powerful weekend. Being surrounded by other Alopecians is one thing because we all look the same. We understand each other and there is no judgement. Venturing out into the world where most people do not know about Alopecia is a another level. I woke up Sunday morning ready to take on a new challenge and stand just a little bit taller, not literally unfortunately. Surprisingly, I was so comfortable in my own skin that I kept forgetting that I did not have on my wig until the wind would blow. I used to imagine that everyone would stare at me if I went outside bald and that I would feel so naked and vulnerable. In actuality, no one really paid me any attention. It was a big deal in my mind but apparently not for anyone else. Yeah Me! It was like the big monster that is really a shadow of a mouse in the corner. It’s an illusion and it is all in the way you look at things. When I did notice someone looking at me, I chose to assume that they were thinking the same positive things about me, that I was thinking about myself. I looked people right in the eye with confidence and certainty. Their thoughts have no power over me and I refuse to walk around being consumed with fear of other people’s judgement. I own my own thoughts and feelings and I choose to feel good about me. If the beauiful, fearless children at the NAAF conference can do it, then so can I. It’s the God in me and it is absolutley the God in them.

Many thanks……..

I have to thank Vicki Kalabokes and the entire NAAF Staff for inviting me to come and share my testimony and participate in what turned out to be a life changing event for me and many others. Many thanks to all of the attendees who showed me such love and support. Trusting me with your tears and your testimonies was more than I could ask for. Thank you to everyone who purchased my film and music. Please enjoy it and share that joy with others. I have to publicly thank my husband who stood by me as always and wiped my tears as he has done for 14 beautiful years. You have all been a part of one of the sweetest memories I have ever created and have confirmed for me that I am on the right path. What greater gift could I ask for?

I would love to hear your feedback on this years conference or previous years. What was your greatest NAAF conference moment?