At the start of my journey with Alopecia, I never dreamed it could ever be an issue that I would look at as “a blessing.”  The only dream I had was the one where I woke up to the return of a full head of hair and my life back the way it was before it all started. I held on to that dream for years. Mentally and emotionally, I felt like I was holding my breath in anticipation of that glorious day.  After it did, I would write a book about how awful the ordeal was, but not until it was all over. I would not share or help others until I had the “victory.” That was my plan.

Wake up to the truth

The moment I woke up and realized that healing had a broader definition than what I understood, is the day I began my inner project of liberation. My perspective had to change so I can free myself from being stuck in that moment of time. I had to stop waiting for it to be over and start living through it, breathing through it. Life is too short to put your happiness on hold until it gives you exactly what you want. Things may not unfold the way you think it will. I have learned that if you open yourself up to the experience and release your expectations for the outcome, you can gain valuable insight from it. The situation can evolve into something more beautiful and rewarding than you could have ever imagined.

Here are 5 Tips for transforming a bad experience into a blessing:

1. Trust the wisdom of the universe.  Learn the art of surrender and the act of faith.

2. Understand that all things inevitably work together for the good and there is a pearl of wisdom available to be found in every life challenge. Focus on the pearl, not the pain.

3. Decide to use your mental power to open your mind rather than hold fast to thoughts and beliefs that do not serve the goal of inner and outer peace.

4. Be teachable, be humble and be open. The answers come but only when you are ready to hear them.

5. Be grateful. Things can always be worse. Even when things feel bad, know that there is somebody somewhere who would love to be in your shoes. Maintain a grateful spirit. It makes the heavy load, a little lighter.

My on-air Aha moment

On July 29, 2010, I had the pleasure of sitting down for an interview with Dr. Allen Mask of the WRAL Channel 5 Health Team. I shared my Alopecia experience with him and my gift of song, words and film. It wasn’t until that moment sitting in the living room, being asked specific questions that I heard myself admit that Alopecia has turned out to be a blessing in my life. I had not acknowledged it but the level of growth and personal development I have been forced to experience as a result of it, has allowed me to blossom in ways I never thought I could. It has opened up doors for me creatively and gave me a platform to stand on, be heard and to make a difference. With a merry heart and a bald head, my life is yet but a dream.

Check out my interview with Dr. Allen Mask on the WRAL Channel 5 Health Team Report:

Click the link below to view the video clip.

Loss of hair is ‘blessing’ for Raleigh woman

Clayton Brock, Sandra Dubose and Dr. Allen Mask

It has been over two years since the first time I ever went outside bald. I decided to do it as a personal challenge. I needed to accept myself openly and begin to be truly comfortable in my own skin. It is easy to talk the talk but sooner or later, you have to walk the walk. I was nervous, excited and uncomfortable. I wanted to run back in the house but I managed to keep it together and push past those emotions. This moment of liberation was my way to boldly reclaim the self esteem that I had allowed Alopecia to steal from me. It was time to shift my alopecia experience from fear to fearlessness.

Today, two years later, I still have to take a few deep breaths and get my emotions in order before I go outside bald. I don’t do it every day so when I do, I have to do a mental self check and get centered so that I can handle whatever may come my way.

“Ultimately, if I believe that I am beautiful and walk in confidence, then I will exude beauty and persuade others to see the beauty in themselves.” ~ Sandra Dubose-Gibson

This music video is from the documentary film “Project Liberation- My Alopecia Experience. It documents the first time I ever went outside bald on my way to do a bald photo shoot.

Secondly, get over your thoughts of what “THEY” are thinking.

Last month, I went to perform at an outdoor African Arts Festival in a small country town in North Carolina. My daughters, a.k.a. “my entourage”, came with me. I showed up in all of my bald-ilicious glory ready to sing my song and share my story. As my daughters and I walked from the car to the event, we saw many people along the street that stared blatantly at me as we walked by. It was awkward and in all the times I have gone outside au natural, I have never been stared at like this before. They obviously had never encountered too many bald women in their part of town.

I recognized then the power that lies in looking different. To think, if I could walk down the street and have people tune into me with curious eyes, my response to them could make the difference in changing someones perception of what beauty is and create greater sensitivity for others who look different as well. I smiled graciously at them thinking that it was the perfect teachable moment for my children about the importance of self confidence. The stares did not bother me but my children were uncomfortable and growing angry that so many people were staring at their mommy that way. I comforted them by telling them what those people were thinking and saying to each other…….

“Is she some kind of celebrity?”    Maybe…..

“Is she a model?”   Could be…….

The truth is that I have no idea what “THEY” were thinking. No one will ever know how that moment resonated with each of them and I cannot worry about that.  There is no way to maintain a sense of peace or sanity if we obsess about the unknown. At some point we have to divorce ourselves from the fear of being judged by others. We can’t afford to put too much value on the opinions of complete strangers! Now, while it is human nature to want to be accepted and liked, we cannot ask anyone to do for us, what we cannot or will not do for ourselves. Bottom line, what matters most is always what we think of ourselves.

Lastly, choose to be happy in spite of your challenges and you will inspire others to do the same

Any questions the onlookers had, had been answered the moment I took the microphone and educated them about my condition. They realized then, how I embraced my difference so that I can make a difference. I then proceeded to sing a Mary J. Blige crowd favorite, “All I really want is to be happy.”

In that moment as we were rocking out together, they knew and understood that there was no real difference between me and them at all. Singing in unison we recognized that no matter what our external differences are, inside we are all the same and all each of us ever REALLY want, is to be happy!

“Do you love yourself?”Is a pretty strong question that most people would automatically answer yes to without thinking twice about it. “Of course I do” we say. It requires no contemplation for most but what about those who can’t find the words “I love myself” in their vocabulary?  At a time like this when the whole world is focusing their attention on romantic love for Valentine’s Day, I think we should spend equal time focusing on the love of ourselves.

I remember a time in my life when I would have answered, “No” to the question of loving myself. I was just a teenager then, lost in the abyss of the unknown. “Who am I and why have I been born?” were the questions in prayer whispered from my lips night after night. Finding out the answers to those questions is a personal journey that everyone must take for themselves. For some, the answers come swiftly. For some the answers come slowly and for some, not at all.

For me, after a bout with depression, repeat thoughts of suicide and over a year too long in an abusive relationship at 17, I learned enough to know who I was NOT and decided who I did not want to be ANYMORE. It was a defining moment in my life that shaped me into the woman I am today. I have no regrets, only thanks and praise for being alive to tell my story. Many of young women never learned to tap their power within and died as a result of domestic violence. As a result, February has been designated National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month.

Cited from the National Teen Abuse Helpline, a recent teen survey showed that 1 in 5 teens that have been in a serious relationship report having been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. Unchecked issues with low self esteem only lead to more destructive behavior and or relationships. Loving and respecting ourselves is not a choice or a luxury, it is our responsibility and the only way to achieve a happy and well balanced life.

Falling in love with yourself

“No one can give you self love and no one can love you hard enough to compensate for the love that you need to have within yourself.”

~Sandra Dubose-Gibson

If you h av e been struggling with a lack of self love, instead of focusing your energy on garnering the affections of a significant other this Valentine’s Day, buy yourself some flowers and use these 3 love potions to help start the fire, for falling in love with yourself. When you uncover the true love within yourself, you set the stage for the true love of another to find you.

Decide that enough is enough: Just like you make the decision to love others, make the decision to love you no matter what. It is mind over matter. No one is perfect; including you, so cut yourself some slack. We are all doing the best we can based on our personal experiences so be gentle with yourself and commit to learn how to be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.  

Get to the root of the problem and pluck it out: Identify who or what made you feel less than and let them or it go. Negative things may have happened in your childhood. We all have a story we could tell that had it’s share of damaging effects. As a child it was not our fault nor was it fair. The reasons for pain are justifiable. The bottom line is that we cannot change the past, but we can absolutely decide to create a better tomorrow for ourselves. Leave the past behind.

Exercise your faith: Prayer and faith are the main ingredients to getting out of the clouds and seeing the breaking of day. The goal is to see yourself through God’s eyes, perfect even in your imperfections. No other opinions matter, not even your own. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Find your path to peace through faith. Trust your creator and recite these truths to yourself often.

v  I am strong

v  I am intelligent

v  I am have talents and gifts

v  I am kind

v  I am worthy of love

v  I am whole and complete right now

v  I am a child of God

Remember: This may be the season for love and romance, but learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all.

Peace and Blessings

How often do we look at our current state of being and feel the need to justify it by listing all of the negative and unpleasant experiences we have had in our lives? While it is true that our beliefs are directly impacted by our upbringing, our environment, culture, race and religious beliefs, we decide where the past ends and the future begins.

“It’s not where you’re from; it’s where you’re at!” ~RAKIM

We are responsible to own our destiny once we reach adulthood despite the challenges we may have faced as a child. The time will come when blaming Mom, Dad and any unfortunate series of events will no longer suffice. We have to accept the truth that it is not where we come from or where we have been BUT what is most important, is WHERE we are going. That is a decision we all have to make.

We can’t change our past, whether it was good or bad. We can’t pick our parents or our families. If we have been victims of abuse, sufferers of disease or survivors of accidents, we inevitably must deal the hand of cards that we have been dealt and play our best hand at life in spite of it all.

“No matter what anybody says’, what matters most is what you think of yourself.” ~INDIA ARIE

Whenever we are ready, we can decide to drive our lives in the direction we would like it to go. What YOU think about you HAS TO BE more important, than what anyone else thinks. As long as you believe the best about yourself, no one can stand in your way.  This single factor separates the leaders from the followers, the women from the girls, and the greatest from the good.

Self love is a process and a road that we must all travel on our own. No one can do it for you and once you attain it, no one can take it from you. If you are lacking in this area and you are ready to grow, here are just a few steps to get you started in the right direction:

Ingredients for healthy Self Esteem:

• Rid yourself of any “Stinking Thinking” and replenish your mind with positive affirmations.
• Surround yourself with progressive and loving people that add to your life instead of draining your energy.
• Begin to purge your life of toxic behaviors, thoughts and people. Do a new thing and get new results. Step out of your box.
• Don’t be afraid to love people from afar. That includes your family members if they are hindering your healing process. It is okay and necessary to be selective about whom you let in your inner circle. Quantity is not necessarily quality.
• Be gentle with yourself because it takes time to unlearn behaviors and ideas that you have had for many years. Having a painful past or experience causes emotional scars and they take time to heal.

Food for thought:

Penny for your thoughts! Write in and share your ingredients for healthy self esteem.

As you go forth, trust that the universe will provide you with whom and what you need at the just the right time to assist you. Envision yourself as Dorothy walking along the yellow brick road. Know that there will be wisdom. There will be courage. There will be love. Open up your heart to receive it and then open your hands to give it away. Love is never in short supply.  It regenerates. As you give it, it multiplies. Abundant life begins with loving yourself and self esteem is the main ingredient to true success. No one ever wins the blame game, so switch gears and let’s travel down this high road together.

I would love to hear from you so write in and leave your comments and personal tips for maintaining a healthy self esteem.

Debbie-United Kingdom