“If you don’t tell your kids about sex, somebody else will!”
- My baby girl, my Angel Face
I had “The Talk” with my eleven year old daughter today. My first born child. I did not want to, but I knew it was a necessary evil. I wish I could preserve her innocence for many years to come. She is still a baby; my baby. Why should I have to take away her innocence at such a tender age? Ideally, her life should be about easy bake ovens, double dutch and hide and go seek for at least a few more years to come. In a perfect world that is, but not the one we live in today.
Instead I introduced her to the world of STD’s, heartbreak and teenage pregnancy. Her angelic face was so uncomfortable. She didn’t understand why she had to be subjected to such images and facts of life? “Mommy that is disgusting”, she said. “I’m never going to do that.” I wish I could hold her to those words until her wedding day.
Knowledge is power, not permission.
As she moves into the sixth grade in just a few months, I know that I would be doing her a great disservice if I did not forewarn her of the writing that would soon appear upon the bathroom walls. The 8th grade male predators sniffing out her ignorance and innate need to have her very first romantic kiss that makes her foot pop just as it did for the princess in all of the Disney movies she watches.
How could I explain to her in eleven year old terms that Men are from Mars and women are absolutely from Venus? Since she is a big fan of the television shows that come on Animal Planet, I decided to explain the relationship between men and women as the analogy of a lion hunting deer. Unfortunately, I did not have any pleasant childhood memories of male/female relationships that would make me feel any differently. Maybe if I understood that for boys it was all a game, I would not have lost time and time again. Maybe, or maybe not.
Once you give your virginity away, you cannot get it back.
She understood the animal analogy well and was immediately excited about the thrill of outsmarting her rivals when the time came to tell them “NO”. She had the inside scoop on the opposing teams’ strategy and felt confident about her ability to win. I explained to her that the hunt was not personal and it had nothing to do with her worth. It was simply a natural instinct for boys and it does not change until they mature….If and when they mature. I affirmed her beauty, intelligence and value over and over again like a mantra. Her sacred body, mind and soul, and the priceless gift of virginity was not to be given away for collection like a trophy on someone’s shelf. She is indeed special and the only one of her kind. I told her that I can give her the information but at the end of the day, she is the one who has to make the decisions. Once her virginity is gone, it can never be returned so there is no room for mistakes- only regrets.
The truth and nothing but the truth, even when it hurts.
I had been preparing mentally for this day for several months now. I felt confident and in control of the conversation until she asked me the question that caught me off guard. “Did Grandma have this same talk with you?” I paused and held back my tears reliving my truth in that moment. I confessed that as much as my mother loved me, she was raised in a different era. It was a time when conversations with children about sex were taboo and the consensus was, “you just better not do IT!” She did not tell me about sex, love or heartbreak. She did tell me not to “get fooled” by those little boys but I could have benefited from a bit more specific information. She asked in innocent amazement, “So how did you find out about all of this stuff Mommy?”
“The hard way, baby…… I found out the hard way.”
Food For Thought:
Our childhood experience’s play a pivotal role in shaping our self esteem and confidence even up to adulthood. Maybe we did not get everything we needed from the person we thought should give it to us, but we cannot allow that to stop us from being all we can for own children. As parents, we must learn to push past our own issues and do our best to give our children what we know they need. By educating our children, we arm them with the weapons they need to be protected from manipulation and self assured. When we create a new experience and break the cycle, we free ourselves and give them a priceless gift; the gift of Self Esteem.
